After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
