I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
