I will die if light touches me.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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