He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I need to calm my uterus...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
