all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
