My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
