I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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