i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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