tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
