Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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