Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
