I can text with my tongue
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
