why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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