so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
