I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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