id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
