I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
