thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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