i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
we're making bets on your personal life
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
