Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize