My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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