I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
