i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
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Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
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If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
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