how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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