Whod you bang
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
