My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
