Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize