If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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