My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
