My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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