I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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