so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
