Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
