Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
