Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
