i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
