well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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