you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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