I wish you could order shots online.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
