these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
