i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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