so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
