he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
