just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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