not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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