You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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