My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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