What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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