Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
