the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
