Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
