look no pants
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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