Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
