this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
