I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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