Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
