someone threw a dead crab at me
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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