Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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